I know what I want.
Warning; this post may contridict itself many times. It may also contain “TMI” moments. Welcome to “Surroundedbygrass; The honest Jana”
So tonight, I called my boyfriend, and said
If I move to a proper house, would you stay with me?
He mis-heard me for;
If I move to a proper house, would you live with me?
Of this, he said no, and I didn’t mind. Because he miss-heard me. I repeted myself, and he hesitated and said “I don’t know”.
However, now that I’ve thought about it, I do mind. About both answers. He said a few things tonight that I can’t be fucked repeteing. Basicly, he said he doesn’t want to be “Serious”.
TWO YEARS! TWO FUCKING YEARS AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SERIOUS?
The title of this post? Well, I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn’t know. He then asked me. I replied the same.
I lied.
I know what I want. I want a relationship. I want a grown up relationship. I do want a live-in boyfriend. And you know what? As much as I want to own a house, have a good education and all that shit, if I was to fall pregnent right now, I wouldn’t get an abortion or adopt the baby out. In saying that, I’m not trying to get pregnant1, and I think people my age who purposely try to get pregnant are idiots.
I’m not sure why I feel this way. Why I want to “grow up” at the age of 18. I think perhaps because I’ve been “In love”2 before. This isn’t the first time, but I want to take it futher. I want to be with him. Support him. Be there for him.
I’m sick of this fucking “I’ll pick you up from the bus stop” “Ask you mom to drop you at my house”, “I’ll see what is happening after Uni” “I have my period on my time off so we can’t have sex for the next 2 weeks+ Because I won’t see you till my next time off” Shit. I know sex isn’t very important. I am however, a little bit of a nymph.
I want to be one.
How can you not want to be serious Jared? Do you not feel the same? How come I am obviously so out of sync with our relationship? Why can’t I feel the same way you do? Or why can’t you want to live with me? Am I just a girlfriend? Is that all? Is it because I’m not SMART ENOUGH? because I wasn’t raised with MONEY? Or do you really not love me enough to think about our future?
I understand you have Uni. But what about after that Jared? Why do you have fucking issues even talking about going away? I want something SERIOUS!
