I know what I want.

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Warning; this post may contridict itself many times. It may also contain “TMI” moments. Welcome to “Surroundedbygrass; The honest Jana”

So tonight, I called my boyfriend, and said

If I move to a proper house, would you stay with me?

He mis-heard me for;

If I move to a proper house, would you live with me?

Of this, he said no, and I didn’t mind. Because he miss-heard me. I repeted myself, and he hesitated and said “I don’t know”.

However, now that I’ve thought about it, I do mind. About both answers. He said a few things tonight that I can’t be fucked repeteing. Basicly, he said he doesn’t want to be “Serious”.

TWO YEARS! TWO FUCKING YEARS AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SERIOUS?

The title of this post? Well, I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn’t know. He then asked me. I replied the same.

I lied.

I know what I want. I want a relationship. I want a grown up relationship. I do want a live-in boyfriend. And you know what? As much as I want to own a house, have a good education and all that shit, if I was to fall pregnent right now, I wouldn’t get an abortion or adopt the baby out. In saying that, I’m not trying to get pregnant1, and I think people my age who purposely try to get pregnant are idiots.

I’m not sure why I feel this way. Why I want to “grow up” at the age of 18. I think perhaps because I’ve been “In love”2 before. This isn’t the first time, but I want to take it futher. I want to be with him. Support him. Be there for him.

I’m sick of this fucking “I’ll pick you up from the bus stop” “Ask you mom to drop you at my house”, “I’ll see what is happening after Uni” “I have my period on my time off so we can’t have sex for the next 2 weeks+ Because I won’t see you till my next time off” Shit. I know sex isn’t very important. I am however, a little bit of a nymph.

I want to be one.

How can you not want to be serious Jared? Do you not feel the same? How come I am obviously so out of sync with our relationship? Why can’t I feel the same way you do? Or why can’t you want to live with me? Am I just a girlfriend? Is that all? Is it because I’m not SMART ENOUGH? because I wasn’t raised with MONEY? Or do you really not love me enough to think about our future?

I understand you have Uni. But what about after that Jared? Why do you have fucking issues even talking about going away? I want something SERIOUS!

  1. In fact I’m on the jab [↩]
  2. so I thought anyhow [↩]
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Something Positive? Doubt it.

Monday, March 1st, 2010

I haven’t blogged in the past week because I really don’t know what to say anymore.

I don’t really have anything positive to say. Which isn’t good. In saying that, blogging for me is about writing my feelings down, getting things off my chest, and trying to sort my head out. So I guess because this is my blog. I can write negative stuff if I like. Way to bring everyone down, no?

A few weeks ago Matt started working here. He’s awesome, I have to admit, he is what is keeping me happy at work. This sounds kinda… Odd.. But I would have some serious anger management issues if he didn’t keep me happy. He makes some pretty awesome jokes. I have to admit. I am a friggen flirt. But I’d never take it further then that.

Along with Matt coming along, I found out we’re getting underpaid… Well, I already knew this. I just didn’t know how much by. Atm the minimum wage is around $12.75 / hr. Apparently we’re getting paid about $8.something / hr.  I didn’t realize it was so bad. I am defiantly looking for a job for the next season. One that has less hours (Which won’t really happen because it IS dairy farming), or one which has a bigger salary. You know.. Minimum wage and all. Sigh.

I’m on my time off right now (11 on, 3 off). It’s Monday and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I am deffo going to get a pedicure. My feet are killing me. I give up on trying to save. My feet some first. They feel all puffy and argh. It’s a little hard to walk. I may also get a hair cut / color. I need to pamper myself. The last time I did was for Jareds formal. Which was last… October? Yesh.

I guess that’s all for now. Well, I’ll casually slip in that I nearly broke up with Jared because of his stupid computer. I was serious. He spent to much time on it. I was sick of being put second to a computer and it was effecting my depression way to much. Now I text before I call so he has time to get off the PC, and he’s band from playing it while I’m at his house. He’s only allowed on it to check movies and weather. UNLESS I’m watching tv / reading a book. Then it’s OK, as long as I’m occupied.

So we’re going OK right now I guess. Today after he finishes Uni we might go to the movies, then on Tuesday we’ll come back to mine and I’ll get some much needed.. attention. ;)

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Depression and I Pt2.

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

As of 12/02/2010 I am back on anti-depressants. Citalopram to be exact.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. To be back in the place I was when I lived in Hastings, NZ.

The difference this time is that I know what is the base cause of it. 2 issues. I have, however, come up with some solutions for both issues. It’s just that both are super hard for me. Daunting.

  1. Education;

    This year I feel really left out. A lot of people from my year level are going to Uni. And I’m kicking myself because I didn’t complete school and I can’t go. I feel excluded, and I also feel.. “Dumb”

    Solution;

    Start study again. I know I’ve said this before, but really kick into it. I called my learning advisor, and it’s been said to study one subject at a time. This way, I don’t have millions of books sitting around stressing me out. I may even get it done faster because I am focusing on one thing.I need to get UE. I’ve really been thinking about doing a BA in Education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.

  2. Work;

    I am not progressing. Which I guess is just more education orintated. But on a usual farm, I should have a lot more skills after 7 months. It’s also the fact that I want.. no.. I need time off to go and visit my family. Not only am I owed this time off (Days in-lou) but morally, for all the extra hours and work I’ve put in, for the times I’ve worked while sick, etc etc. I should be allowed it. But no.
    I also have no time to socialize. I have my “Weekend”. But it’s Mon, Tue, Wed. People are at school, or working. Not cool. :@

    Solution:

    Find another job. This sounds really easy to most people. But for me, it’s not. Well, finding a job isn’t hard. It’s the leaving part that is. To put it easily, I’m going to feel bad for leaving. Even though I know I’m being walked all over. Not appreciated. I’m going to cry,1. See, I am used to being walked over etc. It’s the norm for me. I feel they’ve given me a huge help. My mum and everyone would say they’ve somewhat caused the depression.

And that, I believe, and so do a lot of other people, are the reasons I am depressed. Hopfully I can move on. And these pills will lift me up.2. I just thank whoever is *above* that I have my boyfriend. Without him, I have no idea where I’d be. He’s so supportive. ily.

  1. Shows how tuff** I am [↩]
  2. It gets worse before it gets better ftl [↩]
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