SurroundedByGrass.

Me and my boyfriend have broken up. I need somewhere to vent is all. Some help to set my head clear.

First it was my idea¹ because I wanted him to actually “stay” the night. I wanted to be serious. He told me he didn’t take us serious. 2 years and we’re not serious? Everything I’ve put into this relationship and we’re not serious?

That cut me pretty deep. If anyone pays attention, I’m depressed.

And this guy who works here.. matt… he’s been helping me out. Supporting me. Just basicly being my rock while Jared (The ex) has been busy play wow, (Sorry, who said WoW isn’t anti social..?). So anyhow.The other night after I said to Jared that we should actually break up because of what he said, I was crying myself to sleep. Except I couldn’t sleep.. I texted Matt, and he invted me over to be consoled.

You know what I wanted from Jared? To hug. To sleep next to him, that’s what I wanted. And I got it from Matt. I’ve been waiting 2 years for Jared to just snuggle and sleep with me, and I just went next door and got it instead.

Basicly the issue with Jared why I wanted to take a “break” was because maybe if I missed him enough (Which I do) then I wouldn’t mind not being able to cook / sleep / huggle with him, and just being happy I have him at all. But after he said we’re not serious… Well, that dropped it for me. It’s over.

I know I’m young. But I want serious. Not some 2 year fling. I still love him. A lot. THere are other reasons to the break up. Which I’ll post on Friday night / Saturday because we’re meeting up to discuss things.

1. Well, a break [↩]

Warning; this post may contridict itself many times. It may also contain “TMI” moments. Welcome to “Surroundedbygrass; The honest Jana”

So tonight, I called my boyfriend, and said

If I move to a proper house, would you stay with me?

He mis-heard me for;

If I move to a proper house, would you live with me?

Of this, he said no, and I didn’t mind. Because he miss-heard me. I repeted myself, and he hesitated and said “I don’t know”.

However, now that I’ve thought about it, I do mind. About both answers. He said a few things tonight that I can’t be fucked repeteing. Basicly, he said he doesn’t want to be “Serious”.

TWO YEARS! TWO FUCKING YEARS AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SERIOUS?

The title of this post? Well, I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn’t know. He then asked me. I replied the same.

I lied.

I know what I want. I want a relationship. I want a grown up relationship. I do want a live-in boyfriend. And you know what? As much as I want to own a house, have a good education and all that shit, if I was to fall pregnent right now, I wouldn’t get an abortion or adopt the baby out. In saying that, I’m not trying to get pregnant¹, and I think people my age who purposely try to get pregnant are idiots.

I’m not sure why I feel this way. Why I want to “grow up” at the age of 18. I think perhaps because I’ve been “In love”² before. This isn’t the first time, but I want to take it futher. I want to be with him. Support him. Be there for him.

I’m sick of this fucking “I’ll pick you up from the bus stop” “Ask you mom to drop you at my house”, “I’ll see what is happening after Uni” “I have my period on my time off so we can’t have sex for the next 2 weeks+ Because I won’t see you till my next time off” Shit. I know sex isn’t very important. I am however, a little bit of a nymph.

I want to be one.

How can you not want to be serious Jared? Do you not feel the same? How come I am obviously so out of sync with our relationship? Why can’t I feel the same way you do? Or why can’t you want to live with me? Am I just a girlfriend? Is that all? Is it because I’m not SMART ENOUGH? because I wasn’t raised with MONEY? Or do you really not love me enough to think about our future?

I understand you have Uni. But what about after that Jared? Why do you have fucking issues even talking about going away? I want something SERIOUS!

1. In fact I’m on the jab [↩]
2. so I thought anyhow [↩]

As of 12/02/2010 I am back on anti-depressants. Citalopram to be exact.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. To be back in the place I was when I lived in Hastings, NZ.

The difference this time is that I know what is the base cause of it. 2 issues. I have, however, come up with some solutions for both issues. It’s just that both are super hard for me. Daunting.

1. Education;

   This year I feel really left out. A lot of people from my year level are going to Uni. And I’m kicking myself because I didn’t complete school and I can’t go. I feel excluded, and I also feel.. “Dumb”

   Solution;

   Start study again. I know I’ve said this before, but really kick into it. I called my learning advisor, and it’s been said to study one subject at a time. This way, I don’t have millions of books sitting around stressing me out. I may even get it done faster because I am focusing on one thing.I need to get UE. I’ve really been thinking about doing a BA in Education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.

2. Work;

   I am not progressing. Which I guess is just more education orintated. But on a usual farm, I should have a lot more skills after 7 months. It’s also the fact that I want.. no.. I need time off to go and visit my family. Not only am I owed this time off (Days in-lou) but morally, for all the extra hours and work I’ve put in, for the times I’ve worked while sick, etc etc. I should be allowed it. But no.
   I also have no time to socialize. I have my “Weekend”. But it’s Mon, Tue, Wed. People are at school, or working. Not cool.

   Solution:

   Find another job. This sounds really easy to most people. But for me, it’s not. Well, finding a job isn’t hard. It’s the leaving part that is. To put it easily, I’m going to feel bad for leaving. Even though I know I’m being walked all over. Not appreciated. I’m going to cry,¹. See, I am used to being walked over etc. It’s the norm for me. I feel they’ve given me a huge help. My mum and everyone would say they’ve somewhat caused the depression.

And that, I believe, and so do a lot of other people, are the reasons I am depressed. Hopfully I can move on. And these pills will lift me up.². I just thank whoever is *above* that I have my boyfriend. Without him, I have no idea where I’d be. He’s so supportive. ily.

1. Shows how tuff** I am [↩]
2. It gets worse before it gets better ftl [↩]