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Archive for March, 2010

May I brush your teeth for you ma’am?

31 Mar

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve been meaning to for the last couple of days. There are so many things on my mind. So many things I want to get out, to talk about and to just.. clear my mind. But it’s hard because whats on my mind is hard to put into words.

So today I guess I’ll talk about my plans for this year. Idk.

I cease working on the 12th of May. It’s basically a “Holiday that I won’t go back to work from”. I assume1 that I can stay in my house until the last day of May, because that’s when my contract ends. Paid holiday ftw? No. Not at all.

My house is still a mess and un-sorted out. I must sort it out so it’s easy to pack up and shift everything.

So right now, I’m looking for full time jobs. I need to work full time so I can afford to pay off my car, pay rent or “Board” and my insureance, food / power costs. And whatever other costs incur with living in a flat. I must also find a flat to live in..

The reason I am not going back to farming next season is because I need to study! I really need UE because I’ve decided I want to be one of 3 things. A midwife / nurse, a teacher, or a Dairy owner. Whichever I pick, I need to go to Uni. I mean, there are plenty of dairy owners out there who didn’t go to Uni, but I would like to do a farm manager diploma. I need that qulification behind me to get me further I feel.

Part of my depression this time around is because I am not studying. I’m not engaging my brain. Also, it’s my age groups time to be going to Uni. I feel exluded. Yes, I know that’s my own fault.. And man am I kicking myself.

I’m applying for a carer job. Yeap. Showering old people, changing their beds, brushing their teeth.. Awesome stuff like that. Apparently it’s a well paying job. But the reason I’m going for the job is that maybe it’ll somehow give me a foot in the door to nursing. A taste of what caring for people is like.

If you look at the 3 things I want to do, you’ll notice I want to help people or animals in some way. Because I’m nice.

  1. But still must ask [↩]
 
1 Comment

Posted in Life, Work

 

An update

16 Mar

Well, Friday was the day I’d been dreeding all week. The day I would meet up with Jared and talk things through, I knew it needed to be done. But it was going to be so hard. I didn’t want to let go. But I thought it was for the best.

I’ll skip past the boring bits of where we met etc. But we eventually ended up in my car. I pretty much broke down within the first 5 minutes, and he comforted me straight away. There are issues on both our ends which we must fix;

My depression has a lot to do with this “Break”, as I feel that I need him more, which I can’t have, and therefore I thought we should break it off so I wouldn’t need him1. Anyhow things we must fix;

My depression stems from my job. If you back-read some posts you’ll understand why. In a nut shell I feel I’m not learning, and the bosses are Afrikaans, and they act like they are still in South Africa. So, I’m over worked and under paid2, first things first is to get out of my job and into a new one.

My education I feel I’m not learning here, plus I need to get UE, I need a new job or some time off so I can study towards it. it’s not hard, but it’s making me very un-happy and contributing towards my angry-ness. Plus I need an education if I want any sort of future with Jared.

My cleaning skills or… lack of. My house is a mess usually. I’ve actually cleaned it up yesterday a little. But part of the deal with Jared even contemplating staying here is that I must clean my house, and keep it clean. Which is fair enough! The thing with depression though, is that when you’re down, you really can’t be screwed doing anything. Everything brings me down. However, yesterday I was in an OK mood after seeing Jared for breakfast, so I came home and cleaned a little. Encouraging no?

He needs a licence so he can come and visit me instead of relying on his parents. Part of the issue is that I want a “adult relationship”. I don’t want sex, I know this sounds funny, but I want to cook for him, and wake up next to him. He needs a licence so he can come on his own terms.

We need to sit and talk to his parents and show them how mature we are. We’ve been together two years now, I want him to stay. I want to be able to sleep in the same bed. I want to do girlfriend things for him! It’s driving me insane. And it’s part of the “Break” because I want him here, but I can’t have him. So ya, we have to sit and talk to them.

He’s quitting WoW and I didn’t ask him to. In fact I thought that was a little too far, but obviously this shows how much he wants be back if he’s willing to quit this stupid game. However he doesn’t really have another hobby. Well, coding… but he’s going to be busy doing that in school, I doubt he’ll want to come home and do it for fun. There needs to be an outlet somewhere for him to have time.

I need a hobby like making websites etc again. Even though that was ages ago and they where lame. I need to take my mind off things again. He said I could even start doing “graphics” again. OH YEAH! Smexy hawt celeb “edited” images. Nice idea baby, but no. >.< So Idk, I’ll take up reading again or something.

So when we get these things sorted, or semi sorted at lest, then we can be OK again. Well, we’re OK right now, we’re just not “together”. And I feel happy about it. I think taking this break is a good thing. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because he shows in text how much he wants to see me, “When can I see you next? On your time off I hope?“. It makes me happy to think he wants to be with me.

Argh, now I must clean my house.

  1. Dumb idea I know, but that was my logic [↩]
  2. I’m getting way below minimum wage [↩]
 
2 Comments

Posted in Life, Love

 

Wow

10 Mar

Me and my boyfriend have broken up. I need somewhere to vent is all. Some help to set my head clear.

First it was my idea1 because I wanted him to actually “stay” the night. I wanted to be serious. He told me he didn’t take us serious. 2 years and we’re not serious? Everything I’ve put into this relationship and we’re not serious?

That cut me pretty deep. If anyone pays attention, I’m depressed.

And this guy who works here.. matt… he’s been helping me out. Supporting me. Just basicly being my rock while Jared (The ex) has been busy play wow, (Sorry, who said WoW isn’t anti social..?). So anyhow.The other night after I said to Jared that we should actually break up because of what he said, I was crying myself to sleep. Except I couldn’t sleep.. I texted Matt, and he invted me over to be consoled.

You know what I wanted from Jared? To hug. To sleep next to him, that’s what I wanted. And I got it from Matt. I’ve been waiting 2 years for Jared to just snuggle and sleep with me, and I just went next door and got it instead.

Basicly the issue with Jared why I wanted to take a “break” was because maybe if I missed him enough (Which I do) then I wouldn’t mind not being able to cook / sleep / huggle with him, and just being happy I have him at all. But after he said we’re not serious… Well, that dropped it for me. It’s over.

I know I’m young. But I want serious. Not some 2 year fling. I still love him. A lot. THere are other reasons to the break up. Which I’ll post on Friday night / Saturday because we’re meeting up to discuss things.

  1. Well, a break [↩]
 
4 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized