Depression and me.
Sleeping all day; not going to school because I always felt ill; failing Level 1 NCEA because I was never at school, and not caring.
Those are the things which happened to me a few years ago. I moved town, started a new school1 and I hated it. To the point I became depressed. I don’t mean “OMG I’m an emo I’m going to wear black and listen to homo music”. I mean I was on anti-depressants,2 I didn’t see the point in a lot of things, (Hence why I failed Level 1, because I just didn’t understand how the elephant we had to write about for English was going to help in any way towards my future.), I hardly ate, I hung out with my mates, but didn’t really enjoy it, and no matter how much sleep I got, I would actually fall asleep during class because I could not, litterly, keep my eyes open.
The fighting with my mother got worse, and soon, sleep became something I would rather be doing as well as the only thing I could do.
I was also sick, all the time. Personally I think it was a sub-concious thought that told my body “You can’t do this, stay home sick” so my body would ache, I would vomit, have major head issues, and blah. We did blood tests, scans, all sorts. Nothing came of it. I put it down to the fact I was depressed, and I hated that school with a passion.3
And you know what? I think it’s coming back. Well, the depression anyway. Hopefully not the sickness because I like my job. Although I think this time around, my job may just be whats causing it. If you read my last post, I listed all the things I’ve *done* on this farm over these 7 months. All of which I thought added up to being allowed time off (And ofc the fact I have 8 days in-lou as of Saturday). Apparently not.
Not only am I not allowed to go away for 6 days (3 of which would of been days in-lou, the other 3 would of been my actual “Weekend”), but I’m not allowed to do my AgIto course I need to get a qulification. So I must do that by corrospodence. And you know what they’ll turn around and say next? “Oh, you can do that course in your off time, because you don’t have to clean your house or visit people who you never see or do things like pay bills, go shopping, wash clothes or anything like that. So you can just do it on your regular *weekend*”
So you know what? I’m looking for a new job. I am not appreciated enough here.4. The new job I am looking for will start next season5 and will encourage AgIto, They will not be South African6 and I will not settle for anything under 32grand. (I worked it out, 30grand / year doesn’t even add up to minimum wage per hour, but I’m on a salary, so I can’t do anything about it)
So that’s why I beleve I’m getting depressed again. Oh, and my boyfriend still won’t get off his computer when I call him. I’m kinda over it now. I’m not calling him again. Ever.
Wow. This is a blog entry I could have very well written myself at your age. I’d had clinically diagnosed depression since the age of four, but I had learnt to deal with it pretty well. But it came back with a vengeance when I moved from Whangarei to Te Awamutu. The small-town people couldn’t handle how different I was, so they made me an outcast and I ended up in a mental health ward for three months. I recommend that if you’re beginning to feel depressed again, do something about it now rather than when it hits you hard.
I also understand how you feel unappreciated by your bosses. My dad has been mucked around by his bosses I don’t know how many times and it has made it really hard for him to progress any further in his career. Yet they all give him excellent references when he decides to leave and find something better. I really hope you end up with a better job than you have now. There’s really nothing worse than working your ass off for nothing!
I really hope you get the new job! You deserve better <3