SurroundedByGrass.

As of 12/02/2010 I am back on anti-depressants. Citalopram to be exact.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. To be back in the place I was when I lived in Hastings, NZ.

The difference this time is that I know what is the base cause of it. 2 issues. I have, however, come up with some solutions for both issues. It’s just that both are super hard for me. Daunting.

1. Education;

   This year I feel really left out. A lot of people from my year level are going to Uni. And I’m kicking myself because I didn’t complete school and I can’t go. I feel excluded, and I also feel.. “Dumb”

   Solution;

   Start study again. I know I’ve said this before, but really kick into it. I called my learning advisor, and it’s been said to study one subject at a time. This way, I don’t have millions of books sitting around stressing me out. I may even get it done faster because I am focusing on one thing.I need to get UE. I’ve really been thinking about doing a BA in Education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.

2. Work;

   I am not progressing. Which I guess is just more education orintated. But on a usual farm, I should have a lot more skills after 7 months. It’s also the fact that I want.. no.. I need time off to go and visit my family. Not only am I owed this time off (Days in-lou) but morally, for all the extra hours and work I’ve put in, for the times I’ve worked while sick, etc etc. I should be allowed it. But no.
   I also have no time to socialize. I have my “Weekend”. But it’s Mon, Tue, Wed. People are at school, or working. Not cool.

   Solution:

   Find another job. This sounds really easy to most people. But for me, it’s not. Well, finding a job isn’t hard. It’s the leaving part that is. To put it easily, I’m going to feel bad for leaving. Even though I know I’m being walked all over. Not appreciated. I’m going to cry,¹. See, I am used to being walked over etc. It’s the norm for me. I feel they’ve given me a huge help. My mum and everyone would say they’ve somewhat caused the depression.

And that, I believe, and so do a lot of other people, are the reasons I am depressed. Hopfully I can move on. And these pills will lift me up.². I just thank whoever is *above* that I have my boyfriend. Without him, I have no idea where I’d be. He’s so supportive. ily.

1. Shows how tuff** I am [↩]
2. It gets worse before it gets better ftl [↩]

Related posts:

1. Depression and me.