RSS
 

Archive for February, 2010

Depression and I Pt2.

18 Feb

As of 12/02/2010 I am back on anti-depressants. Citalopram to be exact.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. To be back in the place I was when I lived in Hastings, NZ.

The difference this time is that I know what is the base cause of it. 2 issues. I have, however, come up with some solutions for both issues. It’s just that both are super hard for me. Daunting.

  1. Education;

    This year I feel really left out. A lot of people from my year level are going to Uni. And I’m kicking myself because I didn’t complete school and I can’t go. I feel excluded, and I also feel.. “Dumb”

    Solution;

    Start study again. I know I’ve said this before, but really kick into it. I called my learning advisor, and it’s been said to study one subject at a time. This way, I don’t have millions of books sitting around stressing me out. I may even get it done faster because I am focusing on one thing.I need to get UE. I’ve really been thinking about doing a BA in Education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.

  2. Work;

    I am not progressing. Which I guess is just more education orintated. But on a usual farm, I should have a lot more skills after 7 months. It’s also the fact that I want.. no.. I need time off to go and visit my family. Not only am I owed this time off (Days in-lou) but morally, for all the extra hours and work I’ve put in, for the times I’ve worked while sick, etc etc. I should be allowed it. But no.
    I also have no time to socialize. I have my “Weekend”. But it’s Mon, Tue, Wed. People are at school, or working. Not cool. :@

    Solution:

    Find another job. This sounds really easy to most people. But for me, it’s not. Well, finding a job isn’t hard. It’s the leaving part that is. To put it easily, I’m going to feel bad for leaving. Even though I know I’m being walked all over. Not appreciated. I’m going to cry,1. See, I am used to being walked over etc. It’s the norm for me. I feel they’ve given me a huge help. My mum and everyone would say they’ve somewhat caused the depression.

And that, I believe, and so do a lot of other people, are the reasons I am depressed. Hopfully I can move on. And these pills will lift me up.2. I just thank whoever is *above* that I have my boyfriend. Without him, I have no idea where I’d be. He’s so supportive. ily.

  1. Shows how tuff** I am [↩]
  2. It gets worse before it gets better ftl [↩]
 
No Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

 

Depression and me.

09 Feb

Sleeping all day; not going to school because I always felt ill; failing Level 1 NCEA because I was never at school, and not caring.

Those are the things which happened to me a few years ago. I moved town, started a new school1 and I hated it. To the point I became depressed. I don’t mean “OMG I’m an emo I’m going to wear black and listen to homo music”. I mean I was on anti-depressants,2 I didn’t see the point in a lot of things, (Hence why I failed Level 1, because I just didn’t understand how the elephant we had to write about for English was going to help in any way towards my future.), I hardly ate, I hung out with my mates, but didn’t really enjoy it, and no matter how much sleep I got, I would actually fall asleep during class because I could not, litterly,  keep my eyes open.

The fighting with my mother got worse, and soon, sleep became something I would rather be doing as well as the only thing I could do.

I was also sick, all the time. Personally I think it was a sub-concious thought that told my body “You can’t do this, stay home sick” so my body would ache, I would vomit, have major head issues, and blah. We did blood tests, scans, all sorts. Nothing came of it. I put it down to the fact I was depressed, and I hated that school with a passion.3

And you know what? I think it’s coming back. Well, the depression anyway. Hopefully not the sickness because I like my job. Although I think this time around, my job may just be whats causing it. If you read my last post, I listed all the things I’ve *done* on this farm over these 7 months. All of which I thought added up to being allowed time off (And ofc the fact I have 8 days in-lou as of Saturday). Apparently not.

Not only am I not allowed to go away for 6 days (3 of which would of been days in-lou, the other 3 would of been my actual “Weekend”), but I’m not allowed to do my AgIto course I need to get a qulification. So I must do that by corrospodence. And you know what they’ll turn around and say next? “Oh, you can do that course in your off time, because you don’t have to clean your house or visit people who you never see or do things like pay bills, go shopping, wash clothes or anything like that. So you can just do it on your regular *weekend*”

So you know what? I’m looking for a new job. I am not appreciated enough here.4. The new job I am looking for will start next season5 and will encourage AgIto, They will not be South African6 and I will not settle for anything under 32grand. (I worked it out, 30grand / year doesn’t even add up to minimum wage per hour, but I’m on a salary, so I can’t do anything about it)

So that’s why I beleve I’m getting depressed again. Oh, and my boyfriend still won’t get off his computer when I call him. I’m kinda over it now. I’m not calling him again. Ever.

  1. All girls ftl [↩]
  2. Which i don’t really think worked [↩]
  3. Btw I used to really love school before I moved. [↩]
  4. If you don’t agree, I really recommend you read my last post [↩]
  5. 1st June [↩]
  6. Well, these bosses anyhow, sometimes forget they’re not in their home land [↩]
 
4 Comments

Posted in Life, family

 

Anti – Social Queen.

04 Feb

Have you ever been invited to a birthday for a friend, and just not felt the need to go? Maybe you’re feeling low that week, maybe she / he has done something to upset you and you just don’t feel like being in this persons presence? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re me.

Of course you are not me. Because I am.1 But I think I have a serious issue. I’m not sure how it’s come about. I have my theories. The problem however? Yes.. Well;

I don’t like being around other people in a social situation. I do it to “keep up appearances”. Yes I’m being serious. I guess this is the issue as to why I don’t have many IRL friends. However, when I do, that’s when I enjoy going out. I’ve only ever had “Close friends”. I’ve never been a person with more then 8 friends at a time. Sure theres the people I’ll talk to some times on MSN, only because they message me first. But I do not enjoy the company of anyone else other then my boyfriend, his parents, my mums family, and my dads family..

Except…

I don’t like spending much time with my father. Yeah. Welcome to Surroundedbygrass, the honesty cronicles of Jana You-can’t-have-my-last-name. He ends up criticizing me. Putting me down, and making me feel used.

So why bring this anti – social ness up?

I’m hopefully going to my aunts 40th birthday, hopefully meaning if my bosses give me time off. At the moment I doubt it. Even though I’m entitled to it2.

However, I have some other type of problem that prevents me from wanting to be there. I have noticed this to be a common occurrence when deciding if  I want to go out or not. Aside from my dad being there and there being lots of people I’ve never meet. (Other then this, and the next reason, I’m more then happy.. )

My boyfriend. Yeah. Pretty low. But he’s not coming. He’s been invited, but he can’t afford it, plus he starts Uni that week & it’s a bit up in the air when I’m coming back. So it’s best he stays. The thing is, I work 11 on 3 off. I want to see him.

If I do get the time off, then I said I would come back to work on the Wednesday . I would like Fri – Tue off, usually I get every 2nd Mon, Tue, Wed off. The dates I want to go turns out to be the weekend before my time off. So I said I’d move my time off to those dates, or I’d use my days-in-lou and work on the Wednesday. Confussing?

It’s an 8.5+  hour drive to where I want to go, that will take me all day. I would like to leave on Friday, get there Saturday morning, (I must boat there, I’m not sure where then last boat leaves). Leave Monday and hopefully drive all the way home and have Tuesday as my day to calm down from driving for 8 hours. Or, in other words, to visit my boyfriend.

I know it’s pretty selfish not wanting to go to a family members birthday because I won’t get to spend any time with my boyfriend. It’s very.. teenage-ish. I mean, I hardly see these people! But why do I really stoop so low as to think about the time I’ll spend with my boyfriend before I say yes or no? Pathetic? What if I say I know what they’re all going to do? Get drunk, stonned, make fools of themselves. Does that help my defense? I’d rather spend 3 days with Jared then wittness the drunken antics of family?

H0wever, I’m not sure if I’m being selfish towards work when it comes to the time off.. If anyone knew how much work I’ve done for my bosses, then I’m sure you’d agree that I’m not. Infact, lets list a few things;

  1. Worked 2 months straight during calving. Then I had 4 days off ALL UP3 after the 2 months for a formal, a wedding, and a funeral. Then worked another few weeks before my official “3 days off, 11 on” started.
  2. I’m not doing the qualification I want to because my boss is to “Tired”. Ye. Have I complained? No.
  3. I’ve stayed at work 3 days + where I have been sick. Running out of the shed vomiting, barely being able to stand up straight, feeling dizzy. Have I complained? No.
  4. I’ve taken ONE SICK DAY. And you know what I did? Drove myself to the doctor to get a medical certificate, came home and curled up in bed. I still felt ill the next day. So I guess that’s FOUR days I’ve worked ill.
  5. They speak Afrikaans. When I’m around.. When I’m not around. It pisses me off. They’re in a ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY. Share the fucking joke, or don’t laugh. I put up with it though don’t I. As much as I want to yell “CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH IN MY PRESENCE???”
  6. For around 2+months when we started milking, we where getting out of the shed at 7pm if not later. Often much later. My contract clearly states 6pm or its over time. Has anything been said? No. Did I mind? Not until now.
  7. The ex-co-worker and I figured out that we don’t get paid any where near as much as we should if we where paid hourly. But I’m on a sallery. What can I say?

Those are the reasons why they should say yes. Unpaid, over worked, annoyed, not getting qualifications. If they say no. I’m really going to start looking for another job.

  1. No shit.. [↩]
  2. Worked 3 public holidays, instead of being paid double, we get TWO days in lou each time, so 6 days off I’m entitled to [↩]
  3. As in, not all in one go [↩]
 
3 Comments

Posted in Fml, Life, Love, family